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How to hire a Dominatrix for dummies

I love cherry poppin’ sessions, but first-timers are notoriously flaky, disrespectful and annoying to deal with in the pre-session stage. Most of these problems are due to ignorance and nervousness rather than just being a plain douche, so I wrote this guide to help you out. In the time I’ve had it on My site, many clients have told Me that they found it very helpful. Hopefully you will too.  

Some notes before we start.    

If you have a brain in your head, most of this is pretty obvious. You’d be surprised at how much difficulty some people have figuring it out on their own. 

Before you contact Her:

Know what you want.   

I have had this conversation more times than I can count:   

“Hi. I’d like to book a session.”   

“Okay. What are your interests?”   

“I’m not sure.” 

“Can you give me some idea?” 

“Uh, no, it’s My first time…” 

There’s nothing wrong with being uncertain about your desires. Helping you discover your hidden desires is part of My job. That being said, My sessions vary widely, and I need at least some idea of what you’re into before I agree to see you. So, submit a Fetish Form! You might be into something I have no interest in, and then we’re both wasting our time.   

Men see sex workers for a variety of reasons, but the most common is good old-fashioned horniness. You could have called an escort or a “massage” parlor. You could have gone to a strip club and looked at tits. Instead, you called Me. There must be something that inspired that choice.   

Are you interested in pain, humiliation, or submission or all the above? Do you have a fetish? Do you want to be controlled? Most Mistresses list their session interests on their websites and/or in their ads. Look over the list and find a few things that appeal to you. If nothing listed appeals to you, she’s probably not a good fit. 

If she does not have such a list, there are numerous BDSM glossaries online. I like the Wikipedia one, because it’s not absurdly thorough and most of the item’s link to more in-depth articles.   

BDSM glossaries are also helpful if a Mistress has interests listed that you do not recognize. I have had prospective clients call Me up to request definitions of My interests listed. “Sploshing” is easy to Google, so is “cuckolding.” I am a Dominatrix, not a dictionary! 

Be sure you’re ready.   

Clients who describe themselves as first-timers have a very high flake rate. If I take the time to travel to the dungeon and then make Myself all pretty just for you to never show up, I will not be happy! I don’t care if you’re nervous. I really hate having My time wasted! 

Before you book a session, be certain that you’re ready to go through with it!

Consider legal issues. 

Many popular BDSM activities are illegal to exchange for money. In New York City, a strap-on is illegal, and so are enemas and golden showers. If I bring in a man for a “forced-bi” session I could be charged with pandering. Anything involving insertion, nudity or exchange of bodily fluids is prostitution. Some Mistresses take the risk of advertising these things openly; some only do these activities with clients they already know or clients who can provide references; some Mistresses don’t like these activities and don’t engage in them with anyone.   

As a newbie, you don’t have references and you have no way of knowing the difference between a Mistress who “doesn’t do strap-on” and a Mistress who doesn’t do strap-on. Once you can offer references, this will be much easier to figure out.   

If an illegal activity is necessary to your enjoyment, contact a Mistress who advertises it.   

Dominatrices generally do not offer sex.   

I know the porn you saw where the Mistress is sucking and fucking her slave is hot. I watch it too.  

However:   

Pro-Dommes traditionally do not offer sex or any kind of sexual contact. Women who are willing to have sex for money find vanilla escort work much more lucrative. There are some Mistresses who offer sex, and they generally make it quite clear in their ads. There are plenty of escorts who offer BDSM and even some who specialize in combining sex with FemDom. Check your local review boards to find a provider who knows what she is doing and can accommodate the type of session you seek.  

If you are seeing a Mistress, do not expect a hand job, foot-job, or any kind of release to be included with the session. You probably will be allowed to jerk yourself off near the end of the session, but do not count on it.   

If you are looking for sex, hand jobs, pussy worship or anything of the sort don’t bug a Mistress who doesn’t offer it. It will only piss her off and get you nowhere!   

Read her entire website first and pay attention!   

  • If she lists calling hours, do not call her outside those hours.  
  • If she says she does not respond to texts, do not text her.  
  • If she does not respond to blocked calls – and most Dommes do not – do not call her from a blocked number.  
  • If she lists hours of availability, do not request sessions outside those hours.  
  • If she requires a certain amount of notice, make sure you give her at least that much notice.  
  • If she lists hard limits, respect them.  
  • If she lists her prices, do not ask her for her rate.  
  • If she says she is not looking for personal slaves, do not ask to be her personal slave. 

If you call her and ask her questions and all her answers end with “…like it says in the ad” you have failed.   

Before you contact a Mistress to ask if she is looking for a personal slave, look at her ad and her website. Is she actively soliciting personal slaves? If she is not, do not bother asking.   

When someone contacts Me asking to be My personal slave, what they usually mean is: Can you work for free? The answer is always no. I have hot guys that I play with in My personal life, and I do not need you. I do not care how helpful you think you are. If I do not know you, then I do not want you cleaning My apartment or running My errands. The fact that you are contacting a pro for free sessions says that you are much too stupid to be trusted with any important tasks.    

I accept personal slaves from among clients who see Me regularly. Even then I am super picky, and they are still expected to pay for sessions. Many Mistresses have no interest whatsoever in having personal slaves.   

If you want to become a personal slave and you do not want to pay for play, you have options: 

  • Contact someone who is actively looking for personal slaves. 
  • Become active in the BDSM scene and try to attract non-professional dominant women.  
  • See if your partner is interested in exploring BDSM with you.    

All these options are more effective than contacting a professional and asking her to do her job without pay. No, you cheap fuck, she probably doesn’t want you as her personal slave.   

Contacting Her 

When you contact a Mistress, she will want to know what your interests are and when you want to session. Have this information ready.   

She will usually give you a time to confirm, either by phone, e-mail, or text, generally a few hours before the session. If you are booking far in advance, she may have you make an additional confirmation a day or two before. 

Introduce yourself and state your purpose.   

The correct thing to say when she picks up the phone: “Hi, My name is ——-. I saw your ad on ——-. “   

For several reasons, I do not answer the phone with, “Hi, this is Lord Mistress. Would you like to book a session?” I am not going to elaborate on those reasons here, but they are good ones. It is up to you to introduce yourself and state your purpose.   

One of My least favorite things is when I answer the phone, say hello, and get asked who I am. You called Me, asshole! If you do not know who I am, that tells Me you are just calling every number you can find and you are not serious about sessioning with anyone.   

This also goes if you are texting or e-mailing. If you send Me an e-mail or text that just says “hi” the chances of Me responding are extremely low, and if I do get bored enough to respond I already think you are an idiot.   

Be respectful. 

Mistresses are accustomed to being treated with respect. Do not ever call a Mistress “baby” or “sweetie.” We fucking hate that! Be polite in all your interactions with us. 

Never ask for discounts.  

Never, ever, ever argue with her stated boundaries. If she tells you she does not do something, do not beg her to make an exception. If her website states that she does not do something, do not call her up and ask. Wheedling will not help. Boundary-pushing is a huge red flag and is delusional on your part. 

Remember that she talks to prospective clients all day and a lot of them are full of shit.   

One of the most irritating parts of My job is screening clients. All Pro-Dommes get contacted by timewasters, flakes, and bull shitters trying to trick us into free phone sessions. Lots of bull shitters like to claim they are new and use their newbie status as an excuse for being inappropriate and asking lots of stupid questions. If I think you are full of shit, I am not going to continue our conversation.  

Because bull shitters are so common, I have to be on guard for them at all times. In booking stages with clients, I do not know, I am often a bit snappy and excessively strict. If I were not, I would be deluged with flakes, and I would get a lot of My time wasted.  

If a Domme seems very businesslike on the phone, it doesn’t indicate that she’s like that in session. It just indicates that she’s trying to avoid bull shitters and time wasters.  

No, I won’t describe what’s going to happen in session. 

Asking, “what will you do to me?” is a massive red flag. It makes me think you’re trying to trick me into free phone sex. 

No, I will not describe in detail what I will do to you. No, I will not present you with a list of ideas for our session. You will just have to trust that I know what I am doing.   

I understand that you may want more information than I am willing to give because you’re nervous and don’t know what to expect. Realize I have better things to do than invent free porn on the spot for anyone who asks. If you really need more information, you have multiple options. You can speak to me on PaidbytheMinute, pay Me to e-mail you a detailed list of possible scenarios, or book Me for social time session during which we can discuss your interests over dinner and/or drinks. Most Mistresses offer some or all of those options. 

Get the words “normal” and “weird” out of your vocabulary. 

I was once contacted by a newbie client for a foot worship session. Many of My foot clients have some interest in submission, so I asked him if he was interested in BDSM as well. His response: “No, I’m normal.”   

This is a terrible thing to say to a Sadist. Many Mistresses are into BDSM in their personal lives or have close friends who are and will find that kind of talk offensive.  

And hey — if you’re contacting Me, you’re at least a little bit kinky. Why limit yourself? Why feel bad about your sexuality just because it’s not mainstream? Putting down the freaks to make yourself feel better about your kinks is only a temporary fix, and you’ll be better in the long run if you banish that line of thinking all together.  

Don’t fear the dungeon.   

Like many Mistresses, I don’t have My own play space and I usually conduct My sessions at commercial dungeons. Some clients are intimidated by dungeons, especially if they want milder, non-corporal sessions. Foot fetishists in particular are afraid to come to dungeon spaces.   

Most Mistresses offer foot worship sessions, and not all clients who do those sessions are submissive. We know this. No Mistress will tie up and beat a client who comes in to worship her feet. If you are not submissive but have a foot fetish, all you have to say is:   

“I’m not submissive but I have a foot fetish.”   

Similarly, if you’re not interested in being hurt, just tell her:   

“I’m not into pain.”   

Easy as pie, simple as cake.   

The other major worry clients have is discretion. Every dungeon space I’ve ever seen has been very private. There’s no signage outside, and once inside you will see only the Mistress(es) you are sessioning with, and sometimes the manager of the space. 

We value privacy as much as you do. 

Some ladies require deposits.   

Chastity Key-Holder Lord Mistress Kida Nightly

I understand why clients are wary of Mistresses who demand deposits. However, do understand that Mistresses get a deluge of flakes and asking for a deposit is a very good way to filter them out. Research the Mistress online and make sure she’s reputable. If she’s a well-established Mistress, taking a deposit and running would ruin her reputation, and she’s highly unlikely to do so.   

Even though there are many legitimate Dommes who require deposits, be sure to do your research and exercise caution. Scammers do exist. They usually post ads in multiple cities, so try a reverse image search. If she’s apparently in six different places at once and there’s no trace of her elsewhere on the web, don’t send her any money.   

If you are e-mailing her, be thorough and use good grammar.   

On the phone, the Mistress can ask you questions, and you can give her answers. This can still happen via e-mail, but generally takes a bit more time. Try to be as thorough as possible in your introductory e-mail. Tell her a bit about your fantasies and let her know when you would like to session. Also include any questions you may have. It is fine if you forget one or two and have to send her an e-mail later. It is annoying if you send her eight questions one question at a time. 

This is an intro e-mail currently sitting in My inbox. In its entirety:   

Strip me naked and put me on display where others can see.   

How terribly demanding! Also, he did not include any of the necessary information and asked no questions, which in My experience means he’s not serious, therefore I’m not responding to that. 

Also important: if you are trying to make a good impression, good grammar and spelling are important. Many Mistresses will not respond to poorly spelled e-mails. We’re snobs like that. However, we also understand that some clients may not speak English as a first language, so please note if that is the case.  

Do not book a session just to be polite.   

Clients sometimes call up, request activities I do not do and book a session anyway after I turn them down. They almost never come through.   

If you are talking to a Mistress and realize you are too nervous/she is too expensive/she does not provide the services you are looking for, do not feel obligated to book a session just to get off the phone. Thank her for her time and hang up. If you later have money/are less nervous/develop interests that she caters to, she will probably refuse to see you if you have flaked on her in the past. She may also share your number with other Mistresses to make sure you don’t waste their time, either.  

Sometimes we don’t pick up.   

Sometimes I can’t answer My phone. I might in be session, I might be on the subway, I might be with family. I might be taking the day off to go day-drinking. Calling six times in a row will not change any of this.   

Leave a message if you want the Mistress to call you back. I no longer return phone calls without a voicemail. I once missed a phone call by less than a minute, called back, and found Myself talking to a secretary in a principal’s office.     

We know you are excited.   

There is no need to send a dozen texts about how excited you are.   

Canceling and Confirming   

If you have to cancel, don’t be a dick about it.   

So, you booked a session and now you are petrified/stuck in a meeting/remembering your mother’s birthday. It is okay. Contact the Mistress as soon as you possibly can to let her know. If she has given you a confirmation time, cancel before then.   

She may have turned down other sessions in order to hold the time for you. She may have already spent time preparing for your session. Be apologetic, especially if you’re canceling last-minute. (Better yet, don’t cancel last-minute.) A gift off her Wishlist or some money in her PayPal account will ensure that she is willing to give you another chance.   

Did you know that you can e-mail gift certificates? You can. If she does not have a PayPal or a Wishlist this is a good option. 

Not confirming is not the same as canceling.   

If you decide you cannot do the session after all, do not just skip your confirmation call. That is lazy and inconsiderate. When clients fail to confirm I put them on My Black-list and do not answer their calls. Mistresses often share flake black-lists with each other, so if you flake on one Mistress others may refuse to respond to you in the future.   

Confirm on time.   

Stuff happens. Five minutes off is fine, although I am always pleased when clients confirm on the dot. Do not confirm excessively early. Don’t confirm late, as your Mistress may make other plans. She may also need a certain amount of travel time, and if you confirm late your session can be delayed.   

Stuff happens to us, too.   

If you don’t get an immediate response to your confirmation, don’t freak out. After speaking to you I may have booked another session that makes me unavailable to answer immediately. How would you like it if I stopped spanking your mid-session to answer a confirmation call with someone else?   

I do try to avoid this. I usually require the confirmation call two hours in advance in case I need to take some extra time to answer. If I know I’ll be unable to get back to you for a while I’ll hand My phone off to one of My friends.    

If ten minutes goes by without a response, do feel free to try again. Technology is fallible. I’ve had some unfortunate cases where the call or text just never came through and resulted in a cancelled session.  

Sessioning   

Now that you are in session, you have gotten past most of the classic newbie problems. Congratulations!   

The pre-session chat is free.   

I always have a quick chat with clients before the session to refresh My memory on their interests and allow them to elaborate if necessary. Newbie clients often look alarmed and ask me if this is cutting into their time. It is not. I do not start the time until we have started the session. All Mistresses do the same thing. Relax. You are not getting cheated.   

Do not be smelly.   

Chances are you will be in a room with no windows. Shower and wear deodorant. No Mistress wants to put a smelly slave over her lap for a spanking.   

Do not be disgusting.   

I once ordered a client to bend over for a paddling only to discover that he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to his asshole. Never go into a session with toilet paper stuck to your asshole. If you think you might have toilet paper stuck to your asshole, do not take off your pants.   

Yes, this experience was scarring enough to warrant its own item on this list.   

Don’t be late. 

Show up on time. Do not be late. If you are driving into Manhattan, parking will probably be an issue. Plan for it. If you are running late, contact the Mistress and let her know. Otherwise, she will be left sitting around the dungeon wondering if you are a flake.   

If she has sessions booked back-to-back, your session may be cut short, and it will be all your fault. If you show up ten minutes late, you may have to have a fifty-minute session rather than an hour session, and she is within her rights to charge you the same price.   

Do not be early. 

She may be in session with someone else, she may be getting ready, or she may still be En route. The room she booked for your session may not be ready yet.   

A few minutes early is usually harmless. Ten minutes early is rude.   

If you are running ahead of schedule, it is acceptable to contact her and ask if you can come in a little early. Sometimes this is okay, or even preferable. Never show up early without permission.   

Ask her how she prefers to be addressed.   

Some Mistresses don’t care much as long as you’re respectful. Some Mistresses feel interchangeable if you address them by title only without including their name. I know many Mistresses who especially despise being addressed as “ma’am” although I personally rather enjoy that one. I even know ladies who hate being called “Mistress.”   

She may not care but asking is thoughtful.   

Be respectful.   

Never hurts to say it twice.   

Don’t be grabby. She’ll give you a warning if you get too handsy – respect it.   

Do not spend the entire session begging her to take off her clothes if she has already told you that she will not take off her clothes. Turning you down every five minutes is very dull.   

Clients who ignore boundaries are creepy and make us feel unsafe. If you make your Mistress, feel unsafe, she will kick you out with no refund and you will deserve it. Do not be that asshole.    

Do not ask for personal information.   

Do not ask for her real name, where she goes to school, if she has a boyfriend, or if her parents know what she does. That is none of your business.   

Perhaps My most hated question: “So, what else do you do?”   

You are at My job, paying me a generous sum of money, and you are asking me how I make My living? Seriously? I am a full-time Domme, but if I were not, you can bet I would not be telling you anything. I have heard one too many horror stories about Mistresses getting fired from their straight jobs after being outed.   

Show your appreciation.   

If you had an awesome time, let her know. Good Mistresses take a great deal of pride in their work. I love it when clients compliment My skills after a session and tell me what parts they enjoyed the most.   

A thank-you text or e-mail is very much appreciated. A thank-you phone call is not. 

Tip.   

Tips are always appreciated. If you booked your session through a Dungeon, your Mistress is probably getting less than half of what you paid. Mistresses who work in Dungeons make a large part of their income in tips, and if your session was fun you should tip. $50 is considered a good tip. More is always lovely. $20 will do. Do not tip less than $20. 

Independents appreciate tips as well. It is a wonderful way of showing your appreciation and getting into her good graces.   

Conclusion   

Exploring BDSM with professional Mistresses can be an incredibly fascinating and rewarding experience. Hopefully this guide has helped you relax and has taught you something new about how to approach Professional Dommes.  

Slave Cage!

  

By Lord Mistress Kida Nightly

Facebook.com/Lord.Mistress.Kida.Nightly

https://LordMistress.com/